metawidget | (no subject)

I'm writing this from the kitchen table in my new place — I am in the process of moving out from the home I shared with Elizabeth since 2008. We got to a place where we had a big gulf between what each of us thought our relationship should be and I decided I needed some space and concordance between what our relationship had become and what the infrastructure looked like. So here I am, a kilometer and a half away in a little 1940s house with a bedroom for me and each kid, a woodstove (landlords promise to inspect and clean it before it gets cold) and a certain amount of distance. The kids seem pretty positive and practical about moving in; they'll be in on a supply run on the weekend to kit out their rooms while Elizabeth and Doug go to Toronto for a gig. Unless things go terribly, they'll have their first night here then, and then I'll get Vivien to the bus really early for her school trip to Quebec City.

What this all looks like emotionally going forward... is still up in the air. I was pretty unhappy with where things were going. Elizabeth seems to want to go straight to friends and I'm feeling more like getting the practicalities of co-parenting down, being fair while standing up for myself, setting some clear boundaries. I'm lucky to have a broad circle of support and some really good people close to me. Andrea says I'm brave, and has been there for me all through this. My parents are understanding. My peer group is proud I'm taking concrete action. Lots of people are offering help, even the kids (I'll make sure they get some choices about their space and also carry some boxes). It feels weird but maybe I do need to assemble some kind of separation registry and insist that people only contribute things they have doubles of or don't use -- partly to help get over the hump of expenses (and in to paying rents of the current era and child support) and partly so I don't just say "come to the housewarming" when they ask what they can do.

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Hugs, and sorry you are going through this. Sounds like it's being handled calmly.

We're doing our best… thanks for the kind words.

♥ separation is never easy. I think you're right to want to establish boundaries and a new normal vs being Friends right away. It's good to take the time to settle into your separate lives.

Also, fwiw, bc I think parents do worry about this: I'm a child of divorce and it was genuinely fine and not traumatic for me. I think because both of my parents were in my life and like... not friends but cordial and respectful to each other & didn't badmouth one another to me.

It's good to hear that; youngest in particular is such a good sport that I ask myself if she's really doing okay or she's just a good sport. But all signs point to her just being thoughtful and capable…

Going "straight to friends" is not easy, not always a good choice. It is usually a good idea to decompress from a relationship, and gain emotional space, before seeing whether or not rebuilding a friendship is something you want to do, and something that works.

So, yes, clear boundaries are needed.

For stuff assembly -- I do have stuff to contribute if/when you come with a list of things that would help.

Yeah, it's good to have that hunch validated :)

Thanks for the offer of stuff! I'll be posting a few things that I might be sitting unused that I would happily give a home to in a bit…

It does sound as if this was carefully planned to obviate excessive disruption in the family's lives. I hope everyone involved manages to achieve a measure of satisfaction with the new arrangements.

On another note, I'd be interested to know how things go with the woodstove. Ours, in combination with the solar panels, have been a lifesaver during some of the extreme weather events of recent years. Our oil furnace & tank are on their last legs and we are currently in the process of heat pump shopping. So many decisions to make! Do we need a 2-ton or a 3-ton? Do we go with a central or a ductless mini-split? We've gotten a few quotes and will be sifting through them over the next couple of weeks.

Thanks, I think we both have the kids prioritized and we're pretty good at staying calm. The kids seem pretty interested still in claiming their space and staying here… having them participate makes things smoother too.

The central heat pump at 111 has been pretty good to us. I hope you find a good fit for your place! Still waiting for the landlord to give us the all clear on the wood stove but I enjoy staring at and poking at a fire.

Edited 2025-06-08 03:55 (UTC)

I was not previously aware that this was in the works... hugs and sympathies, and I wish all of you well as you navigate this. We may have some material items that may be useful, and I would be happy to plan time with you to listen if you like.

It's been quietly simmering and we've made some some efforts to sort things out but it was time. Thanks for the offer of stuff and listening — I'm going to share a "check your cupboards and storage" list in a bit, and I'm planning on hosting crunchy games and socialization in at least one quiet moment this summer :)